Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Slowly Sinking In

As of this Monday, I will no longer be just a wife. I will be the wife of a firefighter.

Just typing that makes me stop and take a deep breath. And the closer Monday gets, the more anxiety I feel. I think after seeing him bring home a bunch of his gear last week and watching him try it all on made the fact that this is all happening sink in a little faster.

Growing up I never thought I would be the wife of someone who put their life on the line. Military. Police. Firefighter. When the hubby and I met, none of those jobs were even being discussed as part of his future plans. It's not that I don't appreciate the job that these men and women do. But I know me. And I know that I don't handle the unknown, or unpredictability, well when it comes to those jobs. I'm what some might call a worry wart.

But after career Plan A failed (you can read more about that journey here), Plan B turned into becoming a Firefighter/EMT. But at this point, I was head over heels in love with the guy and that wasn't going to change just because he was changing his career goals.

I mean, look at that face. Can you blame me??

I would be lying if I said that I'm not freaking out a little bit about everything that is about to change. Our work schedules. Our sleep schedules. Our relationship. My sanity.

For the next 10 weeks, I'll only be able to see my husband on the weekends. And that's as long as he doesn't get scheduled for a shift on a Saturday. Sure, we have Skype, but it's just not the same. I hated the last year when we lived so far away from each other. And I'm dreading having to go through it all again.

But I think what scares me the most is the nature of his job. I don't think I really need to explain too much. Fire. Structure fires. Falling objects. Brush fires. Car accidents. Death. Sick people. Crazy people. Long hours. Stress.

And I don't know what scares me more. The dangerous situations he's going to find himself in. Or the fact that, as hard as he tries not to, he'll inevitably bring some of it home with him. And I, as his wife, must learn to handle that.

I will be there for him. Not out of duty. Not because it's what is expected of me. But because that's what you do when you love someone.

But I'm not naive. It's not going to be easy. By any means. I know this next year will be full of hurdles. As much as I'm trying to prepare myself for what the future may hold, I know there is no way to predict it. What I do know is that we are not in control. God is the one who is in control, and he has a plan laid out for our marriage and our lives. And all I know is that I have to put my trust into that.

Sorry that this has been an bit of an emotional dump. But I need to get it off my chest. And I feel like this blog is that avenue for me to just get it all "out there." When I called this blog Figuring Out Life, I wasn't sure exactly what that would mean. But I'm starting to think that adjusting to life as the wife of a firefighter is going to play a big role in the future of this blog. I'm still going to keep up with journaling our adventures in home improvement and cooking. But I'm beginning to think that some of our every day adventures in learning to deal with everything that has been put before us will play a big role in where this blog is headed. But who knows... everything could change tomorrow. I'm still figuring it all out...

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